Words Are Our Friends: Bipartisan

Bipartisan is a loaded word. We say it like it's a good thing, that it's a neutral concept. But that's a falsehood. The word is supposed to be the ultimate word in non-biased democracy. The word, however, is neither non-biased or democratic. Bi means two, twice, or both, or derivatives thereof, I think we can agree upon. There are two sides. It is a word that admits defeat in democracy. There are two sides. It is a two-party system.

"Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate."
"Go ahead, throw your vote away."

Third parties are often little more than a joke in today's politics. More so in the United States than in Canada, third parties are little more than wild cards, acting as spoilers by stealing votes from other parties on the same side of the political spectrum. When they actually garner enough support to garner a role of representation, they lapse into political alliances with those same like-minded parties. In the language of politics, bipartisanship is a lie. In the politics of language, bipartisan is a political, biased word.

Top Five VII: Simpsons Characters

1. Poochie
2. Mr. Burns
3. Ralph Wiggum
4. Lionel Hutz
5. Sideshow Bob

Old Timey II: C. M. Burns

Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uh, I better look in the manual.
Burns: [groans] Oh, the ignorance.
[...]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: This book must be out of date: I don't see "Prussia", "Siam", or "autogyro".
Burns: Well, keep looking!

- "Mother Simpson", Season 7

Most Anticipated 2008: The Dark Knight

Today is the first of the year, and at this moment, the film I am looking forward to most in 2008 is The Dark Knight. Not to be too much of a Batman fanboy, but the combination of being so utterly satisfied with Batman Begins as well as the official trailers and posters for the new film are building my expectations. That first official trailer, oh boy, it sends me two conflicting messages. I want to watch and re-watch so much, yet at the same time never watch it again lest anything be too familiar and jarringly contextualized when I finally see the film come summer. And I refuse to watch the first sequence from the film that can be found pirated after being released in front of I Am Legend on IMAX screens. I need to save something. I have some sense of aesthetic dignity. And I have complete faith in Christopher Nolan that I need not become ingrained in the marketing.

Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.

Weekly Wikipedia Find: Ambrose Burnside

I owe this one to my research for my Abe Simpson quote post:

Mona: "Abe, isn't Homer cute?"

Grampa: "Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it."

Howard Cosell: "Joe Willy Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium. The foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox 1865."

Mona (internal): "His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion, of change. A world where doors were open for women like me, but Abe was stuck in his button down plastic fantastic Madison Avenue scene."

Grampa: "Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you could set your watch to."

Now, let's get to the man himself, Ambrose Burnside, namesake of sideburns.

How's that work exactly? Well, they, etymologists no doubt, took the first syllable of his surname and used it as the second syllable of the terminology, then they took the second syllable of his surname and used it as the first syllable of the terminology, added an 's' to the whole thing, then took the concoction, put it in the oven for three hours, removed from the oven, let sit for thirty minutes, and you have it: delicious sideburns.

And would you look at those beauties:

Incidentally, Burnside was a general for the Union in the American Civil War, but I think we all know what we came here for. Apparently, he wasn't very well fit for military command and he knew it, but Ulysses Grant said it too so we know it as well. The write-ups of some of his campaigns are pretty interesting like "The Battle of the Crater" with its tales of unused specially trained Black division as well as incompetent drunk subordinate generals.

Still, Burnside's contribution to history will remain his most visible contribution to his face: thick strips of hair on the side of his face connected to his moustache all while leaving the chin clean-shaven.

God bless you, sir.

Wikipedia by Week

Week One: Lolita fashion

Awareness Ribbon of the Month: December 2007

December's Ribbon:

Support Discount Bus Fares for War Widows

Old Timey I: Abe Simpson

"Maggie, your babysitters here. What's that mean? Ohhh, you must be sick! Lets see, what's old doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grip? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic boo bow? The staggers? Dum dum fever?"
- Marge Gets a Job, Season 4

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."
- Last Exit to Springfield, Season 4

"Ah , there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957 I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three, medium brown."
- Homer and Apu, Season 5

"I leave these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and, where are you going? [...] Anyway, about my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
- Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy, Season 5

"I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine. With a vulcanized rubber listening tube which ya crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant like linseed oil or Dr. Shomways... Oh! I'm sorry."
- Lady Bouvier's Lover, Season 5

"I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura!"
- Homer Badman, Season 6

"The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it."
- A Star is Burns, Season 6

"Oh, jeeh, you're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single handedly won us the Civil War, it did."
- Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming, Season 7

"Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions."
- Two Bad Neighbors, Season 7

"Now! Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles."
- Raging Abe Simpson and his Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish", Season 7

"Alright, ya got me. The story of the Simpson family began in the Old Country. I forget which one exactly. My dad would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sliced bread having been invented the previous winter."
- Much Apu About Nothing, Season 7

"Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I and they were looking for a new way to spread germs..."
- The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase, Season 8

"Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen aught-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart and all over America people were doing a dance called the Funky Grampa! Oh I'm the..."
- Lisa's Sax, Season 9

I guess maybe we should end with what my definition of Old Timey is: a stereotyped vision of the late nineteenth and early twentieth century (or really any time period that's convenient for me). Sort of an imagined memory of the past. Got it? Good.

Weekly Wikipedia Find: Lolita Fashion

Lolita fashion is apparently a Japanese subculture. One involving attractive Japanese women and Victorian children's clothing. It obviously could stand to be imported to Canada and the United States. I certainly wouldn't complain.

Lolita fashion has further subtypes such as Gothic Lolita and Punk Lolita (perhaps referred to by portmanteaus such as Gothloli and, presumably, Punkloli). Obligatory Simpsons reference: "I want a bigger lolli."

The Nabokovian reference to Lolita seems to be one of convenience. There's nothing explicitly sexual, deviant, or coquettish about any of this.

Next time there's an anime convention in the nearby Big City, I might have to see if I can find any firsthand examples.