Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Weekly Wikipedia Find: Ambrose Burnside

I owe this one to my research for my Abe Simpson quote post:
Mona: "Abe, isn't Homer cute?"

Grampa:
"Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it."

Howard Cosell:
"Joe Willy Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium. The foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox 1865."

Mona (internal):
"His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion, of change. A world where doors were open for women like me, but Abe was stuck in his button down plastic fantastic Madison Avenue scene."

Grampa: "Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you could set your watch to."
Now, let's get to the man himself, Ambrose Burnside, namesake of sideburns.

How's that work exactly? Well, they, etymologists no doubt, took the first syllable of his surname and used it as the second syllable of the terminology, then they took the second syllable of his surname and used it as the first syllable of the terminology, added an 's' to the whole thing, then took the concoction, put it in the oven for three hours, removed from the oven, let sit for thirty minutes, and you have it: delicious sideburns.

And would you look at those beauties:

Incidentally, Burnside was a general for the Union in the American Civil War, but I think we all know what we came here for. Apparently, he wasn't very well fit for military command and he knew it, but Ulysses Grant said it too so we know it as well. The write-ups of some of his campaigns are pretty interesting like "The Battle of the Crater" with its tales of unused specially trained Black division as well as incompetent drunk subordinate generals.

Still, Burnside's contribution to history will remain his most visible contribution to his face: thick strips of hair on the side of his face connected to his moustache all while leaving the chin clean-shaven.

God bless you, sir.

Wikipedia by Week
Week One: Lolita fashion

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